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senseless nonsense [Jul. 30th, 2011|07:37 pm]
The point of my education is to divulge the development of life and the fabrication of the universe. However, all that I have found are more questions and complete confusion. With all the hate, frustration and the greed, human beings leave me perplexed. All other beings readily accept their designated component as a part of everything else and join that which we may refer to as the cycle of things, but humans resist. We are so adamant to be identifiably established individuals that we create a nice little box for which we may safely live. So sad it is to see that thousands of us live an arm’s distance away but no one is brave enough to reach out. How is it we can feel the most alone in a crowded room? How is it that we no longer treat each other as fellow phenomena but rather as obstacles in our way? For so long we have been brainwashed by those who figured out how to manipulate and exploit for their own idea of accomplished success. For so long we have been betrayed by our own that we have fallen out of touch, out of balance, and out of love. We no longer are able to love, true love, unconditional love. Our capabilities are stifled to the point of fear. If we only could learn to love each other again, to accept our part in the cosmic scheme of things perhaps we could end the suffering, the pain and the hurt we have been inflicting upon ourselves and each other. Perhaps we can realign ourselves and bring about pure tranquility to replace the false-happiness we have convinced ourselves into with material objects and spurious personas. I’m not ashamed of my weaknesses and my heart has regenerated its broken cells countless times leaving ugly scars to remind me of the beauty of life. Smeared across my sleeve you can have a piece or two because more will replace that which you have taken from me. I give this to you unconditionally without expectation of reciprocation because for me to love you is far more important then you to love me. This is for everyone and everything. We do not belong to ourselves we belong to everything else so why can’t we share?
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(no subject) [Jul. 17th, 2011|09:51 pm]
american's make their daily decisions solely on the delusion that they can achieve some sort of individuality. true there i no one on the planet that is exactly like you but your just a collection of characteristics that are common among the general population. whatever. not like it matters what i think. it's difficult to be positive and hopeful while i watch our cultural identities dissolve. technology has changed us and i believe we have created quite a few monsters. i just want to feel like myself and be content with mediocrity.
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bad news is old news [May. 9th, 2011|08:58 pm]
i'm growing increasingly exhausted from the anxiety and the depression and the uncontrollable outrageous feelings keep having. i'm fatigued from constantly battling myself and battling with everyone else. i feel alone in the world but can't tell when it is me who pushes away because i'm too insecure to just let things go. maybe i do find faults in everything because i'm so ready to be disappointed.

i have no energy, no motivation and i'm a hair shy of absolutely ceasing everything. no school, no work, no california, and just leaving. this place is aiding in my ailment mainly due to the fact of how trapped i feel. i'm tired of doing things for everybody, for my teachers, for my fickle co-workers... i want to do the things that i enjoy. i want to travel and see the world, i want to be active and go climbing in exotic landscapes. i want to lay in bed for once and not have to worry about anything.

the stress is killing me and turning me into a robot. how does one simply stop worrying? how do i get control of myself when i feel helpless?

how can i get motivated again?
when will this bullshit stop... this is like high school all over again... and i just feel shitty all the time....
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max powuh! [Apr. 7th, 2011|06:25 pm]
[Current Music |mikes spike]

i'm interested in human interaction. ok plain and simple i like to people watch. body language tells you so much more than the words spoken. obviously.

i think thats the best part of going to bars because what is our ultimate goal? to get laid... its funny how people are. they will try anything that might get them a chance at sex even, risking the potential of a horrible lay.

its great. especially all my people watching i think gives me an advantage over the other sex. maybe when i get my teeth...

oh yeah and when i'm single.
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another day in paradise [Mar. 16th, 2011|08:48 pm]
[Current Music |quicksand- incubus]

dear journal,

today i can't help but to be depressing and pessimistic.
how do i gain the power of indifference?

i really wish i could just let go of all the things that make me feel trapped.
i feel like i'm imprisoned in my own body and my mind is the warden, with my emotions as my executioner.

I'm sort of avoiding my counselor, i'm a little exhausted from the emotional purging. i think it makes me more emotional.

last night i had another dream my teeth fell out. except this time i was eating something and used my tongue to dislodge something stuck in my teeth and my whole damn tooth uprooted. i took it out of my mouth and went over the vacant spot with my tongue when pieces chipped off from my other teeth and others just completely dislocated. there was blood and conveniently a mirror so i can witness my horror.

yeah a different variated but same re-occurring theme.

i don't know what to think.
at least tomorrow is st. patrick's day.
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(no subject) [Mar. 9th, 2011|01:03 pm]
cant wrap my mind around human behavior.
usually my first impression of people is dead on so i guess i should not be surprised of their later decisions. maybe i'm just disappointed or in denial that they're actually less intelligent than i hope they are.
i feel alone on an island of logic, waiting for everyone else to get here but they used the wood to tweet on instead of building a boat.

i'm scared for the future.

maybe i'll move to france.
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another day in the life [Mar. 2nd, 2011|11:07 pm]
i'm starting to appreciate having stumbled upon this.

i need to get a few things off my chest.

molly once told "at least you have a dad."
i replyed, "i'd rather have a dad i love then one an alive one i hate."

harsh,...i suppose. but i'm true to my feelings, right?

he tried avoid giving me his tax information when i renewed my fafsa, for the fifth time might i add, though my father did the first three.
the rules state unfortunately that he can not avoid this horrible torture.

not sure how to feel about the situation.

this is how he always is

i know he wants me out and he just wants to be with his girlfriend and never wanted kids anyways so much so that he immediately got a vasectomy after Wyn was born.

oh well.
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blargh [Dec. 7th, 2007|11:39 am]
dear journal,
i have been neglecting you for some time.
my cat is mysteriously extra lovey to me lately... he knows something...
it's nice to have the rain again but i'm especially menstrual these past few days

yeah i said it...

everything is annoying the hell out of me.
and it doesn't help when i'm supposed to go to work in two hours to try to obtain somekind of order with thirty or so elementary kids who have no respect for adults and no sense of discipline and i have to get them snack, do homework with them, do holiday projects, and attempt at getting them to clean the room.

i know it sounds like hell on earth but i usually don't mind it
it's just exhausting and i have no patience right now.
what's even more fun is that my co-worker is also on her lady time...

well enough about bleeding from the vagina

scott, what the hell? how boys really pee?
need i say more...

and sara, are you still serious about new york?
my finances are currently unstable but it is still quite a ways away
unless we do a smaller trip which i don't mind
we should try to collaborate with Danni
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my great disgust for the human race. [Nov. 1st, 2007|11:35 pm]
dear journal,

the thought process is lacking...

that is all
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more and more school. [Sep. 26th, 2007|10:58 pm]
dear journal,

I've realized that i must enter a med school after my BA in order to become a forensic pathologist.

also it is required to have 4-5 years of residency... exciting...

well i have a few years to think about it... mean while i think i'm gonna go ahead and major in biology...

is that a wrong choice?

i dunno...
but i guess from there i can do anything...

if i do change my mind at least i have a BA in a very broad field...

but something in the back of my mind tells me in over my head...
it's definitely going to be hard work...

and it's stupid but the thing i'm most worried about is
1. failure of course
2. still being with Mike when the time comes for my to devote all of my time to education...

perhaps this is a subject for another day and i'll try to enjoy what we have right now... right now it's good... it's better than good...
hopefully that's enough for when i need it most...
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